Cooperation Secret #3: Power Comes from Letting Go

"The harder you push, the harder they push back. The path to cooperation isn’t pressure—it’s allowing space for choice."

One of the most surprising but also obvious insights I learned is that kids dig in their heels when they feel pressured or controlled. But when you ease up, children naturally take responsibility and often surprise you with their willingness to cooperate.

Try this: The next time you’re in a standoff with your child, instead of nagging or yelling, say calmly, “No problem. I’ll leave you to think about it and come back in a little while.” Then step away. This removes the emotional tug-of-war and shifts responsibility to your child.

It’s amazing how often this works. When they sense that there’s no battle to win and that you’ve handed them control, they’re more willing to cooperate on their own—a key principle called detaching from the outcome.

What does that mean? It means instead of trying to convince, force, or cajole your child into cooperating, you stay calm, take a step back, and allow your child to think instead of react.

For example, when I had a standoff with my young daughter about taking her medicine, I learned to stop trying so hard to “make” her cooperate and drink her medicine. Instead, I placed the solution in her hands. I said, “No problem. Your ear will keep hurting if you don’t take the medicine, but it’s your choice. I’ll be here with you either way.”

Within minutes, she decided to take the medicine on her own, no argument needed. This principle works because kids can’t think critically when they feel forced—but when you remove your emotional investment, it allows them the space to engage their reasoning and make better choices.

It gives children the space to take ownership of their actions—no pressure, no nagging. When cooperation feels like their decision, resistance melts away.

By letting go of your own need for control, you not only reduce conflict, but also teach your children to think critically, make better decisions, and act independently.