Cooperation Secret #3: There Are No Bad Kids Or Bad Parents

"I want to tell you something...I don't like your voice."

I'm on a Zoom call with my dad, and my kids rush to join me.

My son is excited to show his grandpa his new toys, but my daughter, who has never met my dad in real life at this point, is quiet.

Then, suddenly, she speaks up.

"Bad news, I don't like you," she tells my dad.

Then, she continues "I want to tell you something...I don't like your voice."

The call goes quiet.

No-one knows what to say. My dad mumbles something, I apologize (feeling very embarrassed), and the call ends.

Now I'm getting mad. How could my daughter be so rude? This is not the way we talk to each other!

How to turn a negative situation into a positive, connection building opportunity

But before I get even angrier and start scolding my daughter for being rude, I remember something that Dr Hilary Mandzik, a licensed psychologist and parenting coach, told me when I interviewed her.

I don't believe in bad kids or bad behavior. I think that everything our kids do that looks like bad behavior is for a reason. And we have to, as parents, get curious about that reason.

"What's going on? What does my kid need?"

Dr Hilary Mandzik

The fact is that there is always a underlying reason for your child's behavior. And when you understand this, you realize that finding out what this reason is, and then dealing with it, is so much more important than punishing "bad behavior."

So instead of getting mad at my daughter, we talk about how her comments could have made her grandpa feel, and we work out a plan for her to speak to him more often so she can get more comfortable with him.

Remembering this simple secret helped turn this negative situation into a positive teaching opportunity as well as an opportunity for better connection between my daughter and her grandpa.

But, there's another part to this secret that is just as important to understand and remember.

In our interview, Dr. Hilary continued:

And for us as parents, if we yell at our kids, if we have a hard time letting our kids express their feelings, that doesn’t make us bad parents.

Our nervous system is reacting the way it was taught to react based on how we were raised. We’re not bad parents. We’re doing the best we can, but as we learn more about parenting, then we can change things if we’re not meeting our kids’ needs.

Dr. Hilary Mandzik

The fact is, when you shout at your kids, threaten them, nag them, or any other negative behavior that you feel bad about afterwards, it is not because you are a bad parent.

If you remember only one thing today, then remember this: You're not a "bad parent!"

You are simply doing the best you can with the tools at your disposal. The only problem is that you have a very limited set of tools, tools that you probably picked up from your parents. And while these tools, like shouting, threats, punishment - might seem to work in the short-term, in the long term they just make things worse.

Realize this: you aren't a bad parent when you yell or threaten, you are simply missing the tools to deal with your child's frustrating behavior in a positive, connection building manner.

And the good news is that finding and learning better tools for dealing with kids that won't listen, power struggles, tantrums and defiance is not difficult. In fact, it can be easy, simple, and fun!

I’ve uncovered 7 incredibly simple and easy, research-backed tools that make getting your kids to cooperate so much easier and funner!

Once you have more positive tools in your parenting toolbox, you'll actually look forward to dealing with your kids...

...even during those difficult transition times like getting them ready in the mornings or getting them to stop playing and come eat dinner.