How “detaching yourself from the outcome” helps your children respond more positively

The Detaching/"No Problem" technique I share on this page works especially great for avoiding unnecessary power struggles and stress, and it helps to develop your child's own sense of responsibility. It gives you an alternative to yelling, and greatly increases the chances that your kids will actually do what they need to do.

We find as parents, a lot of times, we’ll get frustrated, and we’ll end up yelling. Well, our kids are not listening when we’re yelling. But if we’re smiling, and if we’re detached from the outcomes, then they listen more carefully, and they respond in more positive ways. Dr. Paul Jenkins

Me and my husband both use the "No Problem" technique very often with our kids, especially in the mornings when they don't want to get ready.

In my interview with Dr. Paul Jenkins, child and family psychologist, coach, speaker, and author of Pathological Positivity, he shares how the ability to “detach yourself from the outcome” helps your child to start thinking, instead of reacting.

When parents are very calm, and keep smiling, it puts kids in a position where they have to listen and think. This is a little different from the way a lot of parents approach it. Dr. Paul Jenkins

How to Use the Detaching / "No Problem" Technique

The Detaching / "No Problem" technique centers on calmly disengaging from the emotional outcome of a situation and placing the responsibility back on your child. This approach encourages your child to think rather than react, helping them make better decisions without you resorting to yelling or frustration.

Key Steps:

1. Detach from the Outcome

   • What it means: Try to let go of being emotionally invested in whether or not your child achieves a specific result, such as getting dressed on time or completing a chore. Instead, guide them through logical consequences while remaining calm.

     Dr. Paul explains: “When parents are very calm, and keep smiling, it puts kids in a position where they have to listen and think.”

2. Use the "No Problem" Phrase

   • Say “No problem” with a smile and a light tone, raising your eyebrows slightly. Let it communicate, "This isn’t a problem for me, but it might be for you — and you’ll need to think about it."

     Dr. Paul explains: “When you say, ‘No problem,’ what that means is, ‘No problem for me, possible problems coming up for you, but I’ll let you do your own thinking about that.’”

3. Create Space for Problem-Solving

   • Instead of reacting or solving your child's problems for them, give your child the opportunity to face the natural or logical consequences of their decisions (if they want to wear a jacket in summer, then let them deal with being too warm). Your job is to help them to think through what happens next and then let them make their decision.

Tips for Successful Detaching

• Smile and Stay Calm
  If you’re calm and collected, your child is more likely to think instead of fighting or reacting emotionally.

  Dr. Paul notes: “If we are smiling, our kids are thinking. If we’re feeling all pressured and upset… our kids are just going to fight with us.”

• Take Care of Yourself
  Your emotional state is the foundation of this technique. Being calm and emotionally balanced prevents you from getting “tipped over” by frustrating moments.

  Dr. Paul advises: “Parents need to take care of themselves... Or else they’ll find themselves getting tipped over, or upset, or frustrated.”

• Plan Ahead When Possible
  Identify repeating situations (e.g., struggles getting ready in the morning), and create strategies that allow emotional distance while addressing the issue practically. This may involve enlisting help, setting boundaries, or rethinking routines to minimize the chaos.

  • Example: “You tell your child, ‘Hey buddy, the car is leaving at eight o’clock. You can go ready for school, or you can go however you are.’”

Action Steps

1. Practice Using “No Problem”
   The next time your child makes a demand or resists cooperating, say “No problem” lightly, with a smile. Step back and observe their response.

2. Reflect on Trigger Situations
   Identify when you’re most likely to feel frustrated or rushed (e.g., mornings, mealtimes). Think about what proactive steps you could take—such as building in extra time, creating logical consequences, or involving a support system.

3. Determine Your Child’s Stage
   Download the Three Stage Model provided by Dr. Jenkins, and evaluate where your child falls:

   • Stage 1: Refuses to cooperate.

   • Stage 2: Cooperates reasonably.

   • Stage 3: Takes responsibility and initiative.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

What if I'm attached to the outcome?

Some situations—like getting to work on time—are impossible to be fully detached from. For these, planning ahead is crucial.

• Dr. Paul suggests: "If it’s a consistent problem, we can do some planning ahead of time… You might have a friend who can help... Or create two clear choices for your child (e.g., 'You can go ready for school, or however you are')."

What if my child just doesn’t care about the consequences?

Children at earlier stages of maturity (Stage 1) might not respond to consequences as effectively. Adjust your approach based on their current capability and readiness to think critically.

• Dr. Paul advises: “You discipline a Stage 1 child very differently than you discipline a Stage 2 child.”

Journaling / Reflection Prompts

• When do I get most emotionally “attached” to an outcome during the day?
  Write about moments where you feel most stressed or frustrated. Identify what triggers this and brainstorm how you could detach instead.

• What patterns do I notice in my child’s reactions?
  Does your child respond more favorably when you stay calm? Describe the changes you observe after implementing the “No Problem” technique.

• What stage is my child in?
  Reflect on their behavior over the last week. Use Dr. Paul’s Three Stage Model to pinpoint their level of maturity and cooperation.

Final Thoughts

Dr. Paul Jenkins’ Detaching / “No Problem” technique is not about ignoring your child’s behavior or dismissing challenges—it's about shifting control back to your child while keeping yourself calm and empowered. By detaching emotionally and using lighthearted confidence, you invite your child into the driver’s seat of their own problem-solving. As they learn to think rather than fight, you’ll see improved behaviors, greater cooperation, and even growth in their maturity.

Remember, the foundation of this technique is taking care of yourself first. Children thrive when you’re calm, supported, and intentional. As Dr. Jenkins points out, “Your job is to love them, no matter what.”

Happy parenting!