How to use “Curious Waiting” to connect with your child

"Curious Waiting" is a simple, two-step technique to create deeper connections with your child while setting the foundation for easier cooperation, deeper understanding, and stronger relationships.

Using this technique is a great way to get your child to open up and share things from their life with you. When you show them that you are curious about what they are interested in, they start feeling like you are on their side and interested in helping them.

... it works for any type of cooperation because what we want to consider is that really, cooperation comes out of a child feeling connected to you and feeling as if you’re on their side and you’re interested in helping them meet their goals also. Rebecca Rolland

In my interview with Rebecca Rolland, author, Harvard Graduate School lecturer and speech pathologist, she shares how to use this Curious Waiting technique to create deeper connections and relationships with your children, making it easier for them to cooperate when you need them to.

How to Use Curious Waiting

Step 1: Waiting

• Be present and silent: Start by just sitting mindfully with your child. Observe what they are doing without directing or interrupting.

• Notice details: Focus on your child’s activity and what interests them about it. Pay attention to their expressions, movements, and focus.

• Give quiet space: You can engage in light, background activities (e.g., knitting or cooking) but ensure your presence is non-intrusive.

Step 2: Curiosity

• Invite conversation: Use simple, open-ended prompts to spark curiosity and dialogue. Examples:

  • "What’s that about?"

  • "Tell me more about this."

  • "What are you trying to do?"

  • "Oh, what’s interesting about that?"

• Let your child lead: Encourage them to expand on their thoughts. Avoid interrupting or turning the conversation toward your agenda.

Why Does This Work To Increase Cooperation?

Building Cooperation Through Connection

• Fosters a sense of being understood: When your children feel connected to you and know that you value them, they are more likely to cooperate with your requests.

  Everything flows from connection. So we want children to have good friendships. We want them to learn. We want them to have ambition, but not be overwhelmed by being too ambitious and too competitive. We want them to be successful in life. We want them to be kind and we want them to be able to love. We want them to be able to have empathy.

  And all of these things that we want for our children, not one of them comes from a lecture. You cannot lecture children into any of those things. You cannot punish children into any of those things. You can't nag children into any of those things. Dr. Lawrence Cohen, author of Playful Parenting

• Reduces resistance: Taking even a few moments to understand their priorities (e.g., finishing a part of a toy) helps reduce pushback when you introduce your agenda. This makes it much easier to get them to transition between activities (like going from playing to the dinner table).

"Cooperation comes out of a child feeling connected to you and feeling as if you’re on their side." Rebecca Rolland

Reduces Power Struggles

• Children often feel pushed around by external demands and rules. Allowing them to lead the conversation gives them back that sense of agency/power.

"My own son is five years old, almost six, and he comes home sometimes and says, “Oh, at school, they tell me to do this, do that, do this, do that.” While that’s obviously necessary sometimes because we need kids to do things, I think that when kids feel like that a lot of the time, it can feel as if they want to push back just to gain some control." – Rebecca Rolland

By giving children some control and freedom in conversations, you can avoid unnecessary clashes—reserving "power struggles" for things that truly matter.

The Benefits of Curious Waiting

1. Strengthens Connection: By focusing entirely on your child’s interests, you create a safe emotional space that nurtures connection.

2. Encourages Open Communication: The more you do this and demonstrate that you truly care about what your child thinks and says, the more they'll feel heard, and the more they'll learn that they can express themselves freely to you.

3. Insights Into Your Child: Observing your child's behavior and interests, and listening to them speak, can clue you into what motivates, worries, or excites them. This makes it much easier to motivate them to cooperate when you need them to.

4. Joy and Fun: Speaking to my child, and listening to them excitedly explain something they are truly interested in, brings me so much joy personally. I love learning more about them, and seeing their face light up from talking about things they love.

Practical Tips for Better Curious Waiting

Full Attention Matters

• Put your phone down. While it’s tempting to multitask, even short moments of undivided attention have a big impact.

"But I think if we can just put the phone down for a few minutes it really does make a difference and helps the child feel like we really are totally focused on them just for a few minutes." – Rebecca Rolland

Adapt to Your Child’s Rhythm

Incorporate Rolland's "ABC Principles" for effective communication:

• A - Adaptive: Notice your child’s natural rhythms. Are they more talkative in the evening? More active in the morning? Go with their flow.

  ...if they’re feeling very active in the morning, go with that and do more active things or talk then. Or if they talk much more in the evening when they’re relaxing, notice this and go with their flow. - Rebecca Rolland

• B - Back-and-Forth: Maintain balance in conversations—make space for your child to talk as much as you do. Don't talk over them or ignore what they are saying, and try to make sure that it is not just one person doing all the talking.

• C - Child-Driven: Let your child’s current interests, concerns, or activities dictate the direction of your conversation.

FAQs About Curious Waiting

Does this work in highly time-sensitive situations?

Curious Waiting is not an “in-the-moment fix” but more an ongoing strategy to strengthen your connection with your child, building cooperation and understanding over time. However, even in time-sensitive scenarios, devoting a brief moment to prioritizing what your child wants (e.g., “Let’s finish this step quickly”) often makes transitions much smoother.

Does Curious Waiting require a lot of time and effort?

Absolutely not. Rebecca emphasizes practicing this in “micro-doses”—just 5–10 minutes of focused, intentional connection can make a big difference.

Case Examples and Applications

Integrating Curiosity Into Daily Life

• Scenario: Morning Routine: When your child is reluctant to get dressed, notice what they are distracted by—perhaps a toy. Briefly engage with their interest through a question or invite them to help “dress the toy” first. Focus on connecting with them before you try to cooperate ("connect before you redirect.")

Actionable Steps

1. Practice Curious Waiting Today: Dedicate 5–10 minutes during an ordinary moment of play or exploration to simply observe and engage based on your child’s interests.

2. Reflect on Control: Recall recent disagreements with your child and consider if they could have been avoided by relinquishing control over less-important details.

3. Detach from Distractions: The next time your child talks to you, put your phone or other distractions aside to listen fully.

4. Experiment With ABCs: Notice the balance of conversation and try initiating discussions based on what your child is already showing interest in.

Final Thoughts

The heart of Curious Waiting is respect, attention, and slowing down. By pausing your agenda and letting your child take the conversational lead, you validate their thoughts and experiences—laying the groundwork for trust, cooperation, and loving interaction over the long term.

For more ideas and strategies, visit Rebecca Rolland’s official website or read her blog on Psychology Today.